projectgastric

As the “patient” is going through basically re learning “how to eat”, I have been reflecting a lot on the phrase “Food Is Fuel”. I have this posted in my kitchen on the cupboard.  This reminds me to think about why I “need” a snack and more often than not I pick a healthy one or no snack at all ( because I don’t “need” it).

TRULY understanding that food is what fuels a body to operate and function correctly did not become a huge part of my life until I had Gastric Bypass Surgery.  Yes, of course I learned in health class and from my mom all about the body and what foods should go into it and why.  I never looked at food that way though.  Not until I was literally forced to.

Food is a tricky thing.  It’s a necessity to live, but it’s also something that was in my mind pure luxury.  I mean it is NOT wrong to enjoy food at all.  Finding balance between these two ideals ( necessity / luxury) has taken me .. well.. I guess my whole life thus far.

Food was ALWAYS a luxury, a lavish extraordinary thing.  Growing up my father was some sort of high powered business man.  This entailed, starting at a very young age, (as early as I can remember ) dining and entertaining with my fathers clients more often than not.  The places we would go were always exquisite.  I believe to have learned “proper table etiquette” for very fine dining right out of the womb. These dinners and events were boring as dirt to me so I became a little foodie.  That’s all I thought about while we would dine.  I mean we were having a 674 course meal so why not make it interesting.

Then there was the traveling.  My mom and I traveled with my father a lot because he was always on the road.  When we would travel, sky was the limit.  Every morning we woke up to a ridiculous amount of food piled beautifully before us on tiered platters, in lovely vessels, all accompanied by crisp white linens, china, and sterling everything.  Breakfast is served…  It was enough to feed one whole floor of the hotel.  My mom ALWAYS had a small glass of orange juice (with a few ice cubes), a tiny bowl of cereal with fresh fruit, and skim milk.  WELL….., I was running around like a little marie antoinette shoving my face with miniature danishes, croissants, sausage links, pancakes, ..whatever looked divine.  This was all snuck while my mom was in the other room getting ready for our day because she WAS and IS a healthy eater.  Then off to the pool or site seeing while my father had meetings.  If we were anywhere on hotel grounds I quickly caught on that I could in a matter of minutes have any food or drink that I wanted at the accord of our last name or “charge it to my room”.  I was a 7 year old lounging by the pool drinking as many non alcoholic strawberry daiquiri’ and  pina coladas as I wanted.

What I’m trying to say is that I was surrounded by delectables my whole childhood. And I apologize for getting so detailed but these memories have been coming back to me recently.  And quite frankly I CAN NOT believe the life I led as a child.  It is truly the complete other end of the spectrum in comparison to my, and my mothers, lives now.  Thus, these vivid memories are flooring me, as I would DIE for a vacation, a dinner out, or to travel.  Our lives are just the drastic opposite and it is crazy to think of these things I experienced in the past.  Our lap of luxury was ended abruptly about 8-10 years ago.  I will say though, that experiencing both ends of the spectrum is humbling and part of the natural struggle in life and opportunity to grow. (haha right??? ugh.)

ANYWAY, so food, in my mind, was not what my body needed to run.  It was absolute luxury.

After having Gastric Bypass Surgery, I was FORCED to learn what food really is and how to use it.  I remember the first month post surgery not really feeling my stomach at all.  It was VERY strange.  I did not feel hungry or full or anything.  I HAD to eat though..obviously… to live.  I could only consume the amount of two medicine full cups of food.  That is all that would fit in my “pouch” as it is often called.  70% protein and 30% vegetables was my diet.  Also some dairy here and there, and slowly fruit was introduced into the mix.  I am not claiming that the path to learning and truly grasping a healthy lifestyle was easy.  It took years to break the thoughts I had about food and what it was to me.  I literally could not eat any carbs for at least 2 years after the surgery… which was so hard.  I remember crying in the bathroom of restaurants or gallery openings because I literally couldn’t, physically, even enjoy a little bit of what others could eat.

As I recovered from surgery, and learned to change my whole mindset about food, I felt the incredible benefits of using “food as fuel”.  I also over the years have learned to enjoy healthy eating habits.  AND that I can still experience food as a luxury at times … and that is okay.  It is still a battle, although not daily anymore.  My emotional attachment to food will always haunt me in some way or another.  It will creep up on me at times and if I do regress to those old eating habits,.. boy do I feel it.  I feel horrible physically and it is SO very drastic because since I can only consume such a small amount of food… making the “wrong” choices can be monumentally destructive.

This winter, I struggled with major lack of work once the gallery closed.  I literally went to the gym at least 6 days a week every week for months because I actually had the time.  I felt EXTRA incredible physically … and somehow convinced myself that I could eat anything that I wanted and “get away with it”.  This is a major danger zone for a Gastric Bypass patient as it is of utmost importance to keep charge of your changed relationship with food.  I have heard of so many people that post surgery have some how managed to gain their weight back (or a large amount).  Such an invasive, life threatening, surgery should not be taken lightly and after making such a choice … it IS a second chance at life.  For the first time since surgery, 9 years ago, I gained weight this winter.  10 pounds to be exact.  Which you may be thinking 10 pounds is nothing, but it’s not to someone that has struggled so deeply and accomplished changing their whole lifestyle and body…. it is creeping towards disaster.  This weight gain snowballed into adding greater depression to my already seasonal winter depression.  It also caused me to become lethargic to the extreme which made me want to eat even more. Finally, after a slap in the face of not being able to fit in a single pair of my jeans, let alone my panties… I realized I had better get myself in check.  I had to catch myself before I fell flat on my face.  Although, I had only changed what I was consuming for a few months I noticed that I was becoming addicted to food… all I thought about was what I was going to eat next.  Well, luckily I got back on track and noticed after just one week of commitment a drastic change in how I felt.  If I didn’t fuel my body correctly I wouldn’t be able to get through my marathon days.   I’ve bounced back.  The other night I ate a pop tart.  Throw back to the 1980′s.  My mom didn’t let me have pop tarts… well I picked a pack up the other night.   JUST ONE had me sick to my stomach in pain til 5 in the morning.  My body is sensitive now and every thing that I give it does not go unnoticed.  Lesson learned yet again.  I’m so thankful to have experienced what food is and isn’t .  I get it.  Both ideals.

I know what it is like for food to consume your life and affect your every other minute of each day.  It’s a horrible feeling that really can not truly be understood by those that have not experienced it.  From obesity to anorexia, this necessity to life can quickly poison your very being.  Body, mind, and all.  And again, this is why I say food is a very sneaky thing.  It is worth the battle and the fight to learn and try to use food as a fuel for your body.  Whether overeating or not eating at all… don’t let food destroy you physically, emotionally, and make you feel like nothing.  Try a different mindset for one week and I guarantee you feel a difference physically.  Emotionally, it will probably feel like hell, but you may get a glimpse of a lifestyle you might enjoy.

xox …. amber lynn